This is all so unreal. On the mark of my 20th birthday, all these posts from four, three years ago. I was so depressed, so anxiety ridden. Burdened by school and heartbreak and god how could i let all those fuckers treat me as poorly as they did? I would tell my teenage self that you'll figure out who you are, you'll learn how to dress and you'll be beautiful. You'll have new friends, but more importantly still have the incredible ones from PCS. Above all i'd tell myself that you'll go to college but drop out, but you'll do so much more because of it.

i'd say you'll learn how to have a good time without a man on your side, that you'll develop a habit that most would consider alcoholism,  but you're in denial about how bad it is. I would let myself know more boys were in line to date me and fuck me over time and time again until Warren, the most unexpected relationship. which really is ironically low maintenance and stress compared to all of this stuff i had been writing about. I would say snap out of it, being boy crazy makes you a victim.

But then again i wouldnt want to tell myself anything, because i never would have learned. I would say keep writing though. Because i see now that's something i'm actually good at (woah?). I would also let myself know that Jules is a drug addicted loser who still lives at home with no legitimate job or life goals. Your boobs will get bigger to the point of being awkwardly large for your body size, all your best friends will still continue achieving amazing things but you'll learn to be unbelievably proud of them instead of a bitter jealous betch. You'll learn to love and appreciate your parents in ways you don't yet know, your mom will turn into your best friend and you and your sister will develop a whole new relationship that's x10 healthier and awesome.

but currently, for the time being...you're happy. You're proud, you're successful and for the most part you love your life and all the people who have in it, they make it go round and get out out of bed every morning. You're anxiety and stress levels will develop into spontaneous and severe panic attacks, but your depression is manageable and gets better. At twenty you are living in san francisco, you're returning to a new college in arizona in the fall, you can't wait. You'll be with your friends, you'll be with warren, and you'll continue being happy. Maybe even happier. Emma is your roommate and madeline is still the your best friend. the weeknd is the best thing since sliced bread and stop ripping out your god damned eye lashes.

i never cried when i was feeling down.

i've always been scared of the sound.

jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load.

i'm too young to fill this role.

wow

i was afraid this would always happen and now it actually is. that is like a full frontal stab in the heart to me, after all i have given into that. i can only hope this can be rekindled but i have a feeling it will not be. 

oh my god this really can't be happening. fuck you if it is actually happening

i want to cry right now

oh

you broke up...

cards

ynez, i'm going to make you a mix cd. and it's going to be full of songs that i have been listening to for the past 5 months that remind me of things you would love. 

there have been so many songs i hear and i think "ynez would love this song."

i am actually going to do this, and i'm not just saying this for the lulz. i've already started the playlist.

i miss you a lot. i hope you think of me as much as i think of you my dear friend. i'm glad you are finally happy.

how unfortunate

i just read old blogs.

from november. oh jesus what has happened

and when will it be replaced again?

i always have to wonder about how long that category of happiness can last. How long will i be able to feel such an extended amount of contentment, happiness-something like that. I really can never imagine it. I've lived that feeling, i've been in a moment where everything seems right and perfect. and i know there are people who experience that everyday. but when will i be able to? the moments come, then they go. but whenever i get close, it always loosens from my grip. 

i has to be my fault. it just has to be. there can be no other explanation. i have the worst luck, but that has been established already.

but this? really? does it really always have to be like this for me?

i always feel like i am chasing something. it just never happens for me. i can never be content for more then a week, and the one thing that has made that feeling last for longer is gone. 

i've moved on from that now, but when i think i find something to replace it, it leaves too.

i lay awake every single night thinking about everything regarding this problem that i have. it's a constant thing in the back of my head, and at night it rises and becomes prominent and i always always think long and hard about it. sometimes i don't get any sleep because of it. and i don't know what to do.

i don't know how to explain this to anyone any other way except for when i write it all down. it comes in waves and i just spill it out this way. it's easier this way

i don't know what to do, or say, or what to expect. i don't know when it will come and i don't know if it will even come. 

that is all i have to say now. i can't think anymore