i slack, and lurk you, and think about what it would be like if you were still around. nothing will make this happen but you and i should stop thinking about all the potential because there is none. i'm over feeling so worthless. i'm sick of feeling so pointless and pushed to the side.

i want you to pick me up from the side and pull me back in. to one of your hugs that smell like your fierce and your camel reds and that cute little grey sweater you wear. but your mom dryed it and it shrunk and you got so upset but wore it anyways because i told you it still looked okay. and it did. but she washed it and it didn't smell like you anymore so maybe that should've been taken as a sign or something. fuck this

i need to study.

it's over.

and my heart and mind hurt more and more when i think about not being able to be with you. nothing will ever make me as happy as you did.

that's just a fact.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. "

i feel numbed, drained, and overlly dramatic.

i feel crushed, rejected, and unmeaningful.

i feel pathetic, worthless, and upset.

this is taking me back to a place i was in the summer. a place i really hopped to never be in a very very long time. nothing will make me feel better at this point but his words only. i feel like i'm never going to be worth it for anyone. there is something about me that makes me seem boring, you get over it.

don't get over it, it's to early.

what is this, and why do i feel so deeply.

fuck life.

i wish i could just be happy and secure with everything almost all the time.

why are there always the questions.

they will be the death of me.

this is so awful what i'm doing. stop it now

someone talk me out of this, i'm so serious.

boris & natasha

it's a great shade of nail polish.

one of my new favorites.

i want the clouds, and a little bit of fog.

and your couch and body warmth

touch

is this how you feel

or is this just momentary 

gosh i hope not.

these.

these people

this weekend

those moments

that perfume

that water bed

that cop

these pictures

those music videos

that drive

that bathroom

that nap time

a milli on vinyl 

that movie

that bed

^^^^ my weekend

time to go

these kind of things, they are what i live my life for. the moments, etc etc. 

not to sound corny or anything, but my life hasn't been this good in so long. I feel real now, i feel like i am actually living and not existing. i really didn't see the future for me, i didn't. i do, i really really do now. i don't want to make comparisons and i don't want to throw it around, but i just haven't been this way in so long.

ynez, listen to these things by she wants revenge. i think you'd like it

listen to gagging order by radiohead

and then fake plastic tress by radiohead

ynez, i want you to know that even though we don't see eachother every day, you still mean the universe to me. when i see you it feels like there has been no time between us; it all picks back up. i wish you could tell me more about things in your life more often, i want you to. i'm so interested still, and i wish i could hear everything like i used to.

i'm thinking about you all the time, i hope you care as much still

your love is gonna change.

i can't be happier with life.

everything is how i have always wanted it, for the most part.

i have realized that there are always a few minor acceptions, and even people

with seemingly perfect lives have those minor acceptions like i do. nothing is 

ever going to be exactly perfect, and all my relationships aren't going to be exactly

how i want them.

i'm not always going to be at the perfect place with everyone, but i can keep working on it

until i am where i want to be and that is what life is about.

i have achieved so much and i just want to be at peace.

i hope i'm a good friend, i really hope i am.

with free time.

by now, by then, what will be in the future...for me?

i watch, i aid, i lend a hand, i stay on the dock and watch everyone sail.

when will i sail away, when will i be recognized.

i'm this and i'm that but i always have known when things are good enough.

something has been missing for so long, and i am so embarrased.

luck is distributed unevenly, always. undeserving sometimes.

but when will i be hit.

dream big

that would never happen.

why.

i don't know what to think

or say

or do

i dont know where my life is going and i don't know anything about anyone and

i feel like i am never going to have a constant.

i want consistency and i want something in return. 

reciprocate please, for once.

i have not felt lost like this since summer. i don't want that to come back,

but at the same time i just wish i knew what i wanted.

i want someone to give me some motivation, something to work for.

i can't provide that for myself anymore.

all that's being done

criticize

criticize 

criticize

where does that get you.

and what do you achieve.

think about it a little. 

hopless.

"you deserve every ounce of love and happiness and smiles and beauty in the world. you will have that someday, i know it and you know it, everyone does. and that kind of love and happiness and smiles and beauty that can only come in the form of a boy, you will have that again too, but even better and stronger and more lovely and happy with more smiles and more beautiful memories. any person would be crazy not to be completely in love with you like i am. you're my best friend kiah, you'll be alright, i know it and you know it, but in the mean time, when you feel broken, i am here for you, never hesitate to ask for anything. i you feel pathetic, i have been there too, and i know how you feel, but you're not, and i wasn't, no girl ever is, you're doing all the right things kiah, everything any human being will ever want or need. i love you, but you know that, i will never stop, but you know that."

i could only hope that someone in my life would ever write something like that to me.
those words are unbelievably kind.

but i'd never be worthy.

keep the work day.

Hi, I never really got around to talk.
come, come over tonight
we'll play catch up in the rainy weather
where i will kiss you on your forehead
and take your hand
so you will never leave my side
so you will never leave my side

Leave it all across the floor.

i believe in love like the movies and we'll walk barefoot through these dreams
hey, i never ever found the words to say. but meet me at the palace
and i will never try to argue again.
just sit back.

while listening to underwater

i feel small and i feel little
i don't feel brave and i don't feel comfortable

i don't feel like i have placement
i hope you still think i'm precious





i want to fall into place as neatly as i did there.

just a point

i feel emptiness.
i feel like a blank slate that will be painted over within a month
and i feel like i have no control over what i'm doing

i don't want to feel like this forever, i want to feel like i am enjoyed company.
i dont want to feel like i made the wrong choice, i didnt make the wrong choice.
but only a small portion feels like i did.

round and round and round and round

while sitting in a bathrobe

i should be happy right now. i should feel complete relief and be at peace. but i feel nervous, and anxious, and what if and what then.
i know that this was what i had to do, but i know i'm not going to ever feel as comfortable as i did there. nothing could bring back that feeling being there gave me.

comfort is something you can always find else where, but i don't know if it will compare.
on a different note, i am going to creat a list of something. i'm not sure what, but a list.
and it will be a meaninful one too. i'll post it and it will make me feel a lot better.



"be the change you wish to see in the world."

i can feel a hot one taking me down, for a moment i could feel the force

maybe to the point of tears, and you were holding on to make a point, what's the point?

i am but a clean man, stable and alone man; make it so i won't have to try, the faces always stay the same, so i face the fact that i'm just fine, i'm just fine.

ending and/or beginning.

there's more coming soon, and it's going to make you feel better; i promise.

i love

how it seems like people do not really

care anymore

ask more questions, i love answering questions

while you're reading this

stop and go read some of my blog entries from June.

WOW THE MEMORIES.

i don't even know what to say right now.

and i just realized that i have been so stressed out from school that i don't even have room in my brain to complain about my relationship with you. I guess it's a good thing, but what's filling my brain is a bad thing that's negative for my mental health.

then again, so are you...

anyways go read the june entry and comment this with your favorite quotes, for the lolz.

because i just had like a 2o minute loling session so yeah. just read that and comment this

sunday

i feel like a worthless mess.

i can't do anything in school, i can never get anything right. i can't even 

remember assignments and i print out the wrong essays and i try so hard to

always be on top of everything but then once i get to school i am shut down

by everything i have done wrong and little is ever right. and people aren't afraid

to let me know what i have done wrong but some how don't care when i have done

correctly for once in my young life.

i can't be here anymore, i can't go through this for 2 more years. i need to get out.

this isn't for me, and every one of you knows that it's not. i'm sick of the condescending

conversations and my lack of goals. but its no wonder i have no goals, i have nothing on me

to carry over to the future, i have nothing that will get me anywhere at this point. my grades 

don't amount to anything, and it's something i have to stop ignoring. i'm not going to be able to

go to college right away.the truth is i can not take anymore of this, i've tried for the past 4 years of my life to keep up with every single person i've been friends with and i can no longer compete with the people at our school. i do not belong among them and i can't kid myself anymore. this isn't working, and its come to the end where all my beating around the bush has caught up to me. i might not graduate. 

it's so different for me than you, or even you, i don't have the focus or the drive or the ambition to take on school. it's different for me when i come home, i can not work until something has to be done at the very last minute, i can not retain my focus on a simple task and i can't concentrate on one thing for more than 15 minutes. i need to constantly be doing something different or else i lose interest and focus and i feel myself losing time, but i continue to do something different than what i know i should be doing until it's almost to late, because i can only fully focus when i work under pressure from knowing i have no other time left to procrastinate. it's a weird mindset that i know no one really has, and i don't know how to deal with it. i know i have a learning disorder. i know it. i can't be like this and not have one.

i don't know what to do now.

i've felt so lost the past 2 months and it's not even going away. i don't know what to do anymore, i don't know what is going to happen.

while feeling very sick.

soon enough, i'm going to end up looking like the fuck up.

the joke will be on me and i will end up looking so ridiculous. i can sense it in the air.

i need to start thinking for myself and not just going along with what someone else is saying.

kate's right, i mold it to whatever the conversations out in fear of something going wrong.

i am in deep yit.

before sleeping

god damnit i miss your hugs.

and your arms.

that one look too.

get munz face

awuh :(

.

"it's really about the imperfections. the imperfections are the things that are meant to be. the rest is just what society foarces on you."

"some girls want a boy for the label. some girls want a boy to release out some tention on. and some girls just want to fill a missing peice, and sometimes when that peice is filled that get clostrphobic, or sometimes they realize they are incomplete without it. and the longer that peice stays there, the harder it is to let go."

everyone stop what you are doing

and listen to this song.

while procrastinating for an essay

i just want to get these done so i can leave the house and go over

and then go to aptos.

ruby sits at my feet and i hope we end up getting a new fridge.

after a BK run at 10:30

"i'm going to get my squirt tomorrow. actually, i'm packing tomorrow. i'm going to get my squirt in three weeks!!"

i see that way you look at me.

it's there. it is.

before dinner

you know the phrase "you can't have your cake and eat it too?"

my actions can't always be intended to spread happiness for all.

"shut up"

I don't recall a single care 
Just greenery and humid air 
Then Labor day came and went 
And we shed what was left of our summer skin 

On the night you left I came over 
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders 
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit 
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

stay healthy

sleep well

drink water

rest before sleeping

release stress.

i like

the way this might be looking up...

this day.

i feel content, i don't feel stressed, i don't feel rushed.

i don't regret our conversation last night,

for once.

i need to make some changes.

and put a smile on because lately i haven't,

i'm sorry i've been so terrible lately. 

STUPID MEGAN FOX

why.

oh boy.

SERIOUSLY?!

y-b

you kind of care, but never fully will.

its always partial, never whole.

i want the entirety. 

where i can.

you have a boyfriend, and that makes me jealous.

it's probably perfect and you're just one of those people

that always have a boyfriend. always. why?

i want us to be like that.

we're so close. but i need you so much closer.

the begining

of manhattan, the first few seconds, always make me feel like it's alright.

theres only a few songs that do that.

ovz this

ovz you

and ovz school

and ovz this night

and ovz feeling this way all fucking day.

let tomorrow come after 3:00, let us look beautiful

tomorrow and let us all get along and be so very very happy.

let us not care about anything. let me talk to you tonight

let me be happy tomorrow.

hey look

i'm on the phone with you right now.

aw

this, this is really something pretty.

near/far

all i could ever want is

to sleep near you. whenever that happens

i feel infinite happiness, and then i think for a moment

about how in a day i will want that moment back forever.

how do i learn how to love things in the moment?

do you know how?

because i haven't learned that yet, infact, it's gotten a lot worse over 

the past few months. 

but in those times, you looking at me like that.

you lying on me like that. lying on you. 

belt buckles and arm crossing and leaning

and your eyelashes, the kind ynez goes crazy over.

now i know what she means. 

that one look you give me.

all i want is to have you next to me, no ones around so you

don't get conscious about me. that look you give me when you are,

just come over, sit next to me on this pillow. 

what if you were.

"i'd let you sleep on me if there was no room for me"

awuh awuh awuh 

all this makes me want to blush.

keep on.

manhattan;

it's been a while.

i want a scent. do i have a scent?

as in when you smell something of mine, do you think

"oh that smells like ava." or something. 

i just want to know if i have one.

if you let me know, i will try and describe yours.

all ears

i feel sad right now.

drop of a hat, flick on a switch kinda thing.

again, priorities. last night i was one,

tonight i am obviously not. change this, just change it.

because things were good yesterday, and good last night.

this morning, whatever you call it i guess. it was just how

i wanted it to be. you change a lot.

i can not listen to so here we are anymore.

that song will be the death of me i think.

things

listen to your self.

listen to your responses

and listen to your tone of voice.

if you take a moment to hear things

that come out of your mouth, things that

are being communicated to other people,

you will only gain something. 

something a lot more.

think about this.

i should know

everything in the end
will usually be alright.






look lively,
think brightly.

wah

"absence does make the heart grow fonder."



i just wonder what this will all amount to in the end.
when is the end?
i don't want it to near. i want to see light, i want to
feel happiness, i want to feel at peace and i want
to feel like everything is okay.
those feelings i do not know well.

pagando

http://www.swissarmy.com/MultiTools/Pages/Product.aspx?category=everyday&product=54751&


i want this if i can't find my dad's old one.

oh.

i want to cry

saturday night is just like every other night for me.

I don't need people all over me on Saturdays.


So keep Qing.

that really sealed the deal for me.
REALLY sealed the deal.



thank you for making me feel the worst i have felt in weeks.

gloss

i want to scream i want to yell i want to hide
i want to cry and cuss and then mostly i just want to cry



i haven't cried once this year.
not once in 2008 has there been a tear shed. i don't know
if that's bad and i don't know if that's good. But for some reason
whenever i feel like i need to cry, i just can not bring myself to.
i can't make anything come out so instead it stays inside and i keep
it to myself.

i have no life. i have no life at all. this is not a way to live a life and i do
not want to feel like this.
i am going to go over to ynez's house and cry and then have fun with her
family and their friends and hope that they care about me more than you
make me feel. all i know is that ynez does and its nice to be on your top friends
and on your mind at 6:03 in the morning several days in a row.
as well as several hours in the day. its nice to know you are thinking of me without
reminder, but i wonder what you are thinking now.
are you at home and scared to say something, which has happened before,
or are you hanging out with her and that other girl and max and that one chick or that
one girl. i don't know. just hang out with me.
i like what you say, and i like your responses. do that more.

i've told you how i feel but you always do that thing where you need constant reminder.
i don't mind, but i just want to know if that feeling is mutual.
i remember when maddie explained to me what "mutual" ment when it came to relationships,
because she explained that when paul and emily broke up it was mutual, and i didnt get it. So i asked, and madeline explained what it ment and i remember thinking "wow, that must be so great to feel that way about someone and have it returned."
i remember that exact moment.




it's weird that i haven't cried in a year.
i think i have a problem

aching.

just let me take you to the winter tree along the river
we'll see if we can wash these torn memories away from from our selfish minds
everything changes and nothing changes they say in italy
i tend to agree but here we are
underneath this tree
trying to change

waiting wishing

etc. etc.

JUST TEXT ME BACK
you jerk.




i like when you text me early in the morning,
but i hate when you disappear for the rest of the day
because i know you are probably talking to other girls
probably hanging out with other girls.
you mean a lot to me and i feel like you have this with
other people sometimes. but not always.
i hate it.


you are supposed to be hanging out with me.
right now. you jerk. nothing is ever sure with you.
and you said you wouldn't bail on me today. that
ment something ya know.

1

i want to be a priority.
but i know i am not. i have not felt like a priority
in a very long time.


sometimes you make me feel that way and i love
that feeling more than anything else.









i'm not getting that vibe right now though.
just see me.

keeping me dry

when I left
You were fast asleep
Tangled in the sheets
And on the bus I could have sworn it was all a dream
And it didn't happen to me

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning

NOTHING MATTERS

BECAUSE YOU JUST STARTED TO





WOAH.
wow.
thank you for just asking me what i thought would never
EVER HAPPEN.

from inside

wait
FUCK YOU







you are a womanizer and you are fucking around with other girls
you self absorbed dick.

but i like it when you talk to me. makes me happy.
STOP TALKING TO OTHERS
JUST STOP AND LET ME COME OVER

"hold on a second"
*click click click click tap click click click*
"ray."
"what are you doing?"
"texting emily ____. she likes me"
"oh. i know her. she's nice."
"jealous nancy!! or wait. jealous jane. you're jealous."
"naw."



oh but my favorite is
"forget it then"
"um okay. if you want."


was that an appropriate response.
contact will emerge again i hope

YOU

remember me.
and you are thinking about me while i'm not there.


that is all i ask for. that is all and that is what i recieve.
thank you, thank you.





i feel so lucky currently.

little things

i have no discipline with school.
teach me discipline, teach me how to concentrate.
teach me how to focus in class, teach me how to
memorize, teach me how to prioritize, teach me how
to read faster, teach me how to remember.
teach me how to work hard.


take my laziness, take my anxiousness, take my stress,
take my doubt, take my self confidence.





something needs to change, and i don't know what to do about it.

behind the back

the lolzy kind.




gas break diiiip
gas break diiiip

watch em swag, watch em swag.

what a horrible start to school.
spanish is so hard, i feel overwhelmed right now. i know for
a fact i recieved an F on that quiz, i left so many blank.
and tomorrow i feel so under prepared. like i known nothing.
how can she give us over a hundred adjectives and expect us
to have them all memorized in one days notice?


i really hate to complain like this, but i am feeling so horrible right now.
i want to focus on school so badly right now, but i'm finding it extremely hard.
i can't deal with anything it seems like, i just procrastinate it more than ever
like i am avoiding it terribly to avoid certain feelings.




i just want this to be okay. i don't feel ready right now.

couldn't we do what we did last night?

Kind of faded, but I'm feeling alright
Thinkin' about making my move tonight
I can't pretend that you're only my friend when you're holdin' my body tight
'Cause I like the way you're making your move
I like the way you're making me wait
At the end of the night, when i make up your mind
You'll be coming on home with me, yeah, yeah, yeah

Couldn't we do what we did last night again
Baby you and I could be better friends
Don't you think it's time we went a bit further, oh yeah
Every night when we say goodbye
how can I help looking in your eyes
Wondering why you and I haven't hit it
Can we get it on


OH THE MEMORIES OF THIS

so here we are

i am sitting here, cuddled up in my bed with my
new comforter, and all these pillows. i'm so comfortable here.
i feel so happy just sitting here, with my water bottle and ice bat
and all these nice sheets.
something inside me still feels scared. i feel uneasy and scared for a reason
that i can't really identify. i'm nervous for this year, i'm nervous for what the future will throw at me. i'm scared how i will look in a year, i'm scared for how my emotions will act, but mostly
i'm scared to grow up, i don't want to grow up. i don't want to move on from high school
or the people or where i am in my life right now. i like being a child and i like being under
my parents rules. i like returning to a house with filled with family at the end of the day
and i like running around.
i don't want to move on to a being an adult. i'm not ready. i'm not ready to look at colleges
and i'm not ready to take ap tests.

i'm not a school person. i'm just not. all the effort i put in gets me no where close to where you
are. its how i am and i have learned how to accept that. but i am ready to move away from school.
i have plans for what i want to do after school, i'm just scared to talk about them. i don't feel
confident about my future, but i know where i might go.
i'll talk about this one day, but for now i will listen to you talk about your future; i know you're more sure than i will ever be.


so for now i will listen to my sigur ros, and i will think about the present. i will foucus on what i am doing now, what is going on around me. i want to enjoy living, and i do'nt want to look back on my adolesence and wish i had lived more. this summer i grew up in so many ways, i learned so many things and i expirienced things i always wished would happen. i made alot of new friends, i was in alot of different situations, and it was all things that helped me grow up. i just don't want to miss out on anything, i don't want my life to move to fast and i dont knoooooooow







my music is making me so happy right now
i just want to feel like you made me feel again. soon, it has to be really really soon.

i wish

i had cheek bones. high and prominent cheek bones
that would make my face look beautiful.

myself

I don’t mean to close the door, But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes, Left stains on my sheets and stains On my soul
You left me broke down begging for change ,Had to catch a ride with a man who’s deranged
He had your hands and my father’s face.

mourn the memories later, laugh now alligator.

i admire you.

beauty.

my jealousy goes out of my hands sometimes.
i don't want to sound desperate, forgive me if i do. i don't
constantly feel the way i do if i talk to you about it, but i have
episodes where my jealousy takes over and i feel really bad about myself for
half an hour or an hour er so.

i dunnooooo

i'ma shake you off

Bring silent heartache July to June
Swoon over new young hot flame
Mourn the memories later
Laugh now alligator


those mean alot to me.

whys that?

when you are gone, i really really yearn for your attention.
and i just hope so hard that i don't take advantage of that
when i do have it.


that's something that really means a whole lot to me.
i'm thinking it means something to you, too.

icy

i just must be boring.
uninteresting to talk with. something.


the attention span of convorsations seems to be shrinking
and my self esteem seems to be going faster.

novios

i feel like some people take advantage of what they have.
something that someone might really really strive for, or never
even expirience, and they don't even think twice about it.


jealousy rides over me sometimes when i think about everyone
i know that has a boyfriend or is in some relationship. all i do is
wonder if they actually appreciate it; like constantly. if they know
how lucky they actually are to have something long term. something
that just fits so well. it hurts to think that someone could ever take advantage
of that. it really hurts.



i think i have to many issues.

evenings

the moon is full
and i am unwell.

advice

from a collection of multiple people really help.
and make me feel better for a while. if only the advice
was constant, than perhaps i could feel better all the time.


Thank you for helping.
your advice counts for alot more than you might think.

twaz

i was doing well until just now. something just triggered in my insides this morning
and i have that nervous feeling again. i had a dream that he said "talk to me."
and i woke up and thought it was real for like 20 seconds and then when i realized
it was not i felt so weird.




this feeling can not last, it hurts to bad.

okay

now i want to cry.




this doesn't make me feel good.
i don't feel well about myself right now.
this is going to take a while i think.

ow.

its over.
like really really over. like as in finished and completely done.


as in he said something so i don't even know why i was trying.
here comes the stage where i feel like an idiot for running after this
person for nothing but to be treated how i was treated.
i must have done something wrong to alter these feelings he one had
because this is definitely not how it used to be. but now its gone and
nothing will happen again. so i shouldn't even talk about it like something
will, because it won't. i know it and he made it clear.
i feel kind of weird right now and i really don't know how i am going to be
doing in a few days.
i assume this is only the begining.



how cold hearted can one person be. i really hope i don't
deserve to be treated this way. this is like a stab in the heart
with a dull knife or something. ouchies my hawrt.

thankyouthankyouthankyou

for remembering me.
or at least thinking of me.


just knowing you are doing one of those makes me feel happy. kind of.
a short lived convorsation was not what i had in mind but your inquiries
made me happy.
tonight i know what i'm going to say.

i don't get it.

i'm feeling so empty right now.
i have this feeling in my stomach; it makes me feel so
upset and anxious. i feel nervous and alone and like
i need something. i get this feeling because i know deep down
that there is probably no potential for anything else. i can see
how it might be.

that kid really helps me out alot. he makes me feel happy and makes
me think about things i wouldn't of before, like there is something to
look forward to. he makes me feel like there is a future for me and that
other kid. he thinks there is potential but i don't think there is
i honestly never know how it is until i see him

i just don't get why he won't talk to me.
theres another girl. i know there has to be. someone hotter than me
er something. i bet there is, i need to stop making exuses for his actions
towards myself. i see what i was and i need to move on.
but what hurts the most is that there is nothing to move on to. there will never
be anything that is like him again. guys don't think about me like that
and i should've known better with him.



i just wish something would happen where he would prove me wrong.
fuck this. i'm never going to have a boyfriend. or a romance ever again.
good things that happen to me go by so quickly and rarely ever come
i hate feeling this empty. i don't know how to stop this.
i forget how it feels to be wanted. i'm glad i at least got to feel it this summer
it hurts so badly to know it will never most likely never happen again.

okay.

i know i can't be the only girl.
but i would like to feel that way for once.


really really really really

outz

one thing that makes me mad is reading shit like that.
it makes me feel so bad about my life, and it makes me feel
like i have nothing to do and am so worthless and unhappy.
i feel like i have nothing in my life that really makes me
extremely happy; but then again i can look at my life and see
things that i should be happy for.

there is just a piece that feels missing and makes me feel
incomplete, i can place my finger on it slightly but i don't know
if i want to put it down in words like this. I just feel badly a lot.
i don't know why, but i rarely feel like "wow, i'm so happy right now"
and maybe i'm not supposed to, maybe things are just supposed to be like
that in life and it's just part of growing up that you have to realize this.
but i know the feeling of being really happy with your life, and i have felt that
only briefly all summer. but i know what it feels like, when its for an extended
period of time.
and i know how i can have that feeling.

talking to you really makes me feel really happy. i never ever would've thought
you would do this, but you make me feel good about myself. and sometimes you
say things that are out of character and i love those moments best.
i like you alot and i hope our relationship stays this way for a while. i don't know
anyone like you really, so i don't want that to change. you make me happier than
a lot of people i know.

i want something more permanent. that's all i need.
something constant would be a nice change, it would make me happy.
i know it would

i get it.

i realize what this might be.
however i do not want to fully admit it yet because
i don't know if it's true. maybe you don't want anything else,
but i don't believe that because of things you did and said after.


i want that day back. you holding me was a feeling i would
like to be far more frequent, but it makes me feel weird to think
that might not be.
i know you felt the same, or else you would not have been doing that.
you looked so cute.



i just hope it won't be left in the dark or anything, and i hope
you won't be in new mexico for a long time. at least say something
or give me a reason to be okay. SOMETHING

ray

fuck this, i just want your communication.



i know you are trying to hide your feelings, i know
you had a hard time with her. and i feel so bad about
that. please, do not leave me whatever you do. do not.
i like you far to much and i would give a lot to have that
day again. a lot.

expirience

the joys.

the memories.

the future?

today

is the day. i can feel it in my bones.

i just want one that's mine.

and i don't really know what that's like.

what hurt's is the fact that it feels so close,

and i know i won't be able to get that. it feels unfair

that other people have that and i see them taking advantage 

of it. that really makes me feel upset.

i would never ever take advantage of someone like that, a 

relationship like that. where you can be so close with someone,

people don't see into what they have; how lucky they actually are

to have another person feel so strongly about them, to have them

care about you so much. i wish i could have that.

nights are lonely, i wish i could be spending them elsewhere.

this day

has been something.

something special, something surprising, something so different.

maybe i'm moving on, and maybe this helped.

then again, at the end when you called it helped. each call helps me 

make up my mind, makes me feel more sure about things.

i hope something like that happens again really really soon.

i liked you.

on the reel

i just realized that all you do is disappoint me.

i would say that about 80% of the time your disappointing

me and making upset or annoyed or something.

rarely you make me feel special. an if you do, it's for like five seconds.

fuck this, i'm getting really sick of trying with you.

just do something to keep me going. anything at this point will do.

you're killing me.

don't pull this crap.

none of this is ever going to happen, no matter how much it seems like it is going to happen. but it just won't. i can tell it will never happen. you say one thing, and then the next second change your mind.

make up your mind about me, it will make things easier. it really will.

you're hurting me.

the scientist.

that's one i really can't bare to hear. the piano. OH

"come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are. i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart... oh lets go back to the start. nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. take me back to the start."

maybe i just need to show up at your house. maybe that is the key. maybe since you told me i should when you broke the plans a few days ago, i should.

anyway to see you. i'm so desperate, it makes me sick to see myself like this. i really wish someone was here sitting next to me, i don't care who. being like this, being alone in this room.

i can't stand it. i need to sleep to end this day.

to end this.

you don't care for me, i can already tell.

delicate.

i can't think of anything else to do but this.

i need to let out how i feel because i really want to explode right now. all this music is making it worse, watching my cell phone on this stupid white stand is making me want to cry, and thinking about what i have said to you in the past is making me so anxious.

i hate that i have to second guess every single thing that i say to you. i hate it. i hate that i have to wonder if you are thinking about me, i hate that i have to wonder who else you are talking to, if you are doing this to some other girl also.

i hate that i haven't seen you in over a month, i hate that most. i hate that i hate that i hate that. all i could ever ask for is to see you tomorrow. i don't care what happens, i just want to see you and i need that so badly. so so badly it hurts me so bad.

i am just sitting here like a worthless pile and all i want to do is cry or have you walk in my door.

either one but preferably the second. i'm going to go insane.

you make me so crazy. you really really do. the worst thing is that you KNOW you make me crazy.

everything you say to me is just always so. ah.

things you say to me that i don't even tell other people. those are the real ones that get me. i just miss you so much. and not the stupid you

the real you.

the one i know, not this other one. you have been giving me the most mixed signals ever. more than any i have ever recieved in my life. i haven't cared for another boy like this until you.

i really really haven't. 

fuck my life. i sound so pathetic.

i don't think anyone understands this, which is okay. i just really had to write something about how i felt down somewhere and this was the easiest way. i just

asddddddkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

"why you tell me stuff that's so plainly untrue, if you'll be straight with me i'll be straighter with you. if you're all done like you said you'd be what are you doing hanging out with me? i've been wanting to do anything for a long time, but whatever you've got right now will probably suit me fine."

i just need a motherfucking hug from a motherfucking boy.

you kill me. you really really kill me. i don't even really think i have done a whole lot to deserve these feelings, if anything, i should be shooting this bullet in your direction BUD.

yeah. really. 

i can't stand this. like ynez said, something good has to come out of all of this right?

how can i feel all of this ache and have not one good thing come out of it?

i mean GOD.

JUST GET ON ME ALREADY BECAUSE I AM REALLY SICK OF YOU FLAKING OUT BUT SAYING THAT YOU WANT TO.

FUCK THAT.

sorry that one i really had to let out. i really had to.

none of this will ever make sense, i wish there was a bettter way to explain myself.

i am not in a good state right now. i am really really not.

i just want to be in love and have the favor returned.

quit it.

quit trying to hide how you're feeling.

i can tell what you're doing.

actually i really can't and that is why i feel this way.

those things that you say, how i live for when the moments are good like that.

rarely they are. but just you saying them seems to make up for everything else that

you are saying to me. i don't get you, but at the same time i kind of do.

why would you ask me that

and make me look like and idiot for being honest.

"i don't know." 

i just want to get this over with all ready, i'm ready for the next move.

i'm over this stage. really over it.

LOL

hi, i am trashy. i have on a white swim suit and i wear black nail polish on my fingers because i want to look H4rD and J4D3D 4 lYf. I HAVE BAD HIGHLIGHTS AND NORMALLY HORRID EXTENSIONS

but i have a good body and like everyone to see it. i know i have no other positive asset besides my body, so i will lure in good boys with my nice body and make them think i'm not as trashy as i actually am since i can't seem to find a boy who is "chill" enough. so even though my ex boyfriend is a total DOUCHE BAG WANNATHUG i think i will just shoot for something REALLY high and REALLY REALLY great because all of a sudden i think that trashy girls should steal the good ones. not just ones with looks but with the insides of a good person.

SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY REALLY GOOD PLAN THAT I THINK I WILL STICK TO AND SEE HOW MANY SOULS I CAN BREAK

when will i see you next

why

does the trashy girl always get the guy.

its just

COME ONNNNNNNN

I MEAN COME ON. HONESTLY. what is the ONE thing

that really detracts from me? is it really bad?

because it must be. THAT IS SO DIFFERENT FROM ME

its just gross. i feel you would know better. but so many times

someone like you comes along where i think you have higher standards

but then you always sink down into the trash, you like garbage better.

why not go for something better. more worth the time. how about

going for me

cause i like you alot.

cards

can it only go up hill from here?

or can it only go down hill?

which is better anyways?

i guess downhill meaning it would be easier or something.

last night you seemed real. so did what you said, i think.

you really know how to keep my hopes up. naaaaaaaaa

forget about your house of cards

and i'll do mine.

denial deniaaaaaal.

GOOD SONG

to lean on.

i appreciate your humor, and i appreciate the calls.

at least i can say they are sort of flattering, its nice to know

you think about me.

i've moved on, but i still need to call you one of these nights.

i'm proud of myself actually, letting go of this has been so weird.

extremely bittersweet. i just don't look forward to the being alone

part in the future, i really really don't.

i know you might not read posted lyrics, but these mean something.

Control yourself, Take only what you need from me, A family of trees wanted to be haunted
Control yourself, Take only what you need from him. The water is warm, But it's sending me shivers
A baby is born,Crying out for attention.
Memories fade, Like looking through a fogged mirror.Decision to decisions are made and not bought
But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot
I guess not.

what do i do.

this is what it is. i don't know how i feel.
but this is what it is.

i know you didn't forget about me, but you most surely and probably moved on. i didn't, so its really sad to think about you moving on....
i don't really know what to think. all those kids don't matter. they don't matter at all. i should just stick to what i know and accept the fact that you were 1 in a million and something like that will never, ever, ever happen to me again. i should accept the fact that i will never ever have a boyfriend in high school, no matter how close i come. and you were pretty close.

now i don't even want to call you, because i'm scared. i'm scared for what would happen, i'm scared for how you would react. i'm scared for what you would say to me. what you would do. would you hang up or would you talk with me for a long time.
i'm just scared and worried and really upset because i KNOW things will not turn out how i would like, they never do.

things always go how they did with this, it will get really good, really really good, and then it will get unbelievably good. and then all of a sudden i will do or say something wrong or something will happen so it all goes down hill. and then it gets bad, and then it gets extremely bad and i dont know what to do with my self at the point where it gets that bad; which is happening now.

i want to turn back to the beginning of the month where it was you and me and nothing else seemed to matter.
i want to turn back to the night before i left, and what i said. that was also a mistake.
i.just.miss.you.

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN.
you, me < never.









frown :[

perhaps

the changes on my blogspot will brighten my feelings.
probably NOT.








you likey?

why oh why

how is it possible to have someone like you
be on this earth.
someone who is so seemingly perfect
someone who has pretty much EVERYTHING
i want and don't have. not even kidding.

everyone LOVES her. everyone.
she has really cute clothes and really adorable hair
and she has nice teeth and of course a REALLY nice smile.

it appears that everyone but chris likes her. and he probably even likes her deep
down, but just says he doesn't for those reasons.
but still...EVERYONE IS IN LOVE WITH HER
and rightly so. shes cute and really pretty and has really cute clothes
and has a wonderful personality. and is probably a great friend.

why why why why WHY do people like you exist?
WHY.
just to make everyone around jealous probably.


GO DIE.
plus it sucks that you are younger.
that REALLY SUCKS.

feelingz

i really wish i could think about you alot less
maybe it would be easier if i knew that you were
thinking about me like i am thinking about you.

it really would be.
but i don't know if you are, and i wish that there
was some way i could ask you if you were.

i bet if i called you and asked you would tell me
too bad i can't. to bad its five o'clock there.
too bad you probably don't feel the same way
too bad you probably moved on
too bad i think about you all the time
too bad this is how it is.


all i think about is what i'm going to do when i come home.
what i'm going to say to you and what i will do to let you know
i don't know what i'm even doing






this all probably sounds so stupid
but i don't think anyone reads these anyways.

i know,

this will sound awful.
but on a different note i really wish i had some way to make my appearence better while here.
it was really careless of me to just not bring my hair straightener, or any good makeup.

everyday i am walking down the streets with my face and hair looking like total and
complete shit. its so embarrassing and i can feel everyone looking at me or something.
i look horrid. all the time. and then it makes it worse because i am surrounded
by all of these extremely fashionable and naturally attractive people who wear
little make up and i'm sure do nothing to their hair but brush it, if that.

stuff like that really makes me mad. that someone can have such natural beauty,
a face that is pretty and smooth and beautiful with such little effort. no make up at all.
and then there is stupid me who is just so extremely plain looking. and its just weird.
being here and being surrounded by that is weird and gives me such a strange feeling.
its a feeling i dont like, it makes me feel very alone and secluded and makes me miss all
things familiar. i know so many people who have a gorgeous face, who can take candid
photos and have them look absolutely flawless. i wish i could be like that sometimes.



homecoming just came on. how ironic.
just some random indie music channel on tv and homecoming comes on.
wow.

ahhh yes.

"boys don't fall for me. i'm not cute or purtty or any of that junk.boys dont look the way i'd like. the ones i know dont. they dont act right. they dont smell right. they dont dress right. they dont care right. i'm tired of all these 'boys' and i want someone new. someone who says hi and hears what i have to say. someone who thinks i'm pretty not hot. someone who will watch movies with me and will let me play video games with them. someone who will give me hugs not just high fives. someone who will go shopping with me and not tag along. someone who will be there to just talk. i want a boy to talk to. someone who thinks my height is cute. someone who will let me hug them, and not think its awkward.to bad i dont know any who fit any of those catagories. to bad no one i know even comes close to one of these."

funny, when i re-read this.
because you fit every single qualification which i listed. every single god damn catagory qualification description WHATEVER.
you just fit. i don't want to let that go and i know you don't either.

2 months ago, i never ever ever EVER thought there could be someone like you. i didn't think so at all.
but you are a whole different qualification of 'boy' and i don't really know what to do about it. the fit
is to close and it is as if every minute i am having a different thought about you. urh.
when i read that just now, i felt so weird. because honestly everything i listed is you. and it's scary
because i wrote that in the begining of the year, before i even knew you were around.
i don't even know. alksdjfskadjf

i just want to know how you are feeling right now.
thats all i really want. i want to know if you feel the same as i am right now, if you are thinking about me like i am thinking about you, if you feel upset like i do.
i just want to talk to you. so bad. i don't want to be denied. i don't think i will be, but no matter what i can't
help but feeling that way.
i just want answers because right now in my head there are a million questions a minute. i'm not even kidding.

"you don't want me as a boyfriend, i have to many complications."
"i don't know about that."

fuck sesta.

this is way better than fucking sesta anyways.
screw dat sheeeeut.
HERES THIS INSTEAD:

Do you have any pets? RUBY.

color shirt are you wearing? that striped one with the cute straps.

Name three things that are physically close to you: a peach, my ipod, some nasty italian chocolate business that i spit out because it had a nappy hazlenut in it. yeah, i know.

What is the last book you read? catcher in the rye MOTHA FUCKA

What's your favorite sport? i don't do sports.

Do you enjoy sleeping late? no, i actually hate it. it puts me in such a horrible mood.

What's the weather like right now? really sticky and hot.

Who tells the best jokes? that's a good question. my sister maybe.

What was the last thing you dreamed about? uh. i only discuss my dreams with one person...pause. but it's true.

Do you drive? all of ze time. hopefully all by me self as of july 22nd.

Do you believe in karma? aww yeuh. for the most part i do.

Do you believe in luck? naw i dont know.

Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up? eggs are really disgusting anyway you try and make them edible.

Do you collect anything? If so, what? i like to collect, but i don't really have a set 'collectable.'

Are you proud of yourself? no.

Are you reliable? i try my best to be. i know i am late alot, but i generally pull through in most situations,right...?

Have you ever given money to a bum? yes, once. that really great flute player outside of bookshop who was really cute and played his flute nicely. in a non sexual way, because i just realized that sounded really sexual.

What's your favorite food? something with chicken or alot of cheese.

Have you ever had a secret admirer? sean garner is forever my stalker-admirer

Do you like the smell of gasoline? yes, i do actually.

Do like to draw? only when i am in the right mood. generally these days i don't because i realize i'm not very good at art like i used to think i was, so i get frustrated and don't really like to do it as much.

What's your favorite invention? iSight/photobooth. or the car.

Is your room messy? unfortunatley. it was clean the day before we left, but my clothes basket made it all messy-like. i hated leaving it that way.

What do you like better: oranges or apples? apples. but when oranges are really good, maybe those better.

Do you give in easily? heavy on the yes, but heavy on the no as well. i can be really stubborn, but depending on the situation i can also give in really easily. it's odd.

Are you a good guesser? it's one of my few talents. i'm pretty great at it to be honest.

Can you read other people's expressions? my strongest talent aside from guessing i would say.

Are you a bully? i don't think so.

Do you have a job? no, go away.

What time did you wake up this morning? 7:40..

What did you eat for breakfast this morning? one of those weird croissants in a bag and pineapple juice, but this one had chocolate filling so it was good. laura would really like those things.

When was the last time you showered? last night.

What do you plan on doing tomorrow? probably the same fucking thing as today.

What's your favorite day of the week and why? during school, it's fridays. i love fridays alot more than saturday. saturday SUCKS.

Do you have any nicknames? not really. ave stew and thats about it. oh and avster.

Have you ever been scuba diving? I don't think so. actually, once in hawaii but i was 7..

What's your least favorite color? most shades of green.

Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? FUCK THAT. ask ynez :(

Would you ever go skydiving? yes, i was thinking about that the other day actually.

What toothpaste do you use? crest pro health. it doesnt taste good at alll.

Do you enjoy challenges? i love the feeling of completing a challenge, what a great feeling that is.

What's the worst injury you have had? hrmm. i have never really had a really horrid injury...but probably that one time when i fell off the counter and hit my tounge or whatever. that was really bloody so i guess that.

What's the last movie you saw? penelope on the plane. HOLD THE LOLZ.

What do you want to know about the future? SO MANY THINGS. i don't want to talk about it even. i already think about it every second of the day.
sigh.

What does your last text message say? "goodbye, ava."

Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to? NEZZY POO. boy did that call save my life. i may have died if i didn't make that call. i wanted to shed a tear.

What's your favorite school subject? english. it's the only one i am good at/mildy enjoy.

What's your least favorite school subject? do you need to ask.

Would you rather have money or love? love, but the real kind. the kind where someone is actually there for you all the time and is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. someone who cares as much as you care, someone who will do anything to make you feel good.
i've had many a contemplation moments on my trip..

What is your dream vacation? going somewhere out of the country with alot of friends and no adults.

What is your favorite animal? BAYBEH ANIMALZ

Do you miss anyone right now? shut the fuck up. that was cruel.

What's the last sporting event you watched? lol, tennis in italian.

Do you need to do laundry? no, i did one before i left.

Do you listen to the radio? xm BEEZY.

Where were you when 9/11 happened? at home. sleeping.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money? get really pissed off, then get stressed out and feel like beating the machine.

Have you ever caught a butterfly? no, i'm scared.

What color are your bed sheets? like brown with white.

What's your ringtone? something light and whimsical. ynez and laura helped pick that bad boy out.

Who was the last person to make you laugh? probably my dad.

Do you have any obsessions right now? i object to the questions like this. i has a sad. a deep deep sad. SHUT UP

Do you like things that glow in the dark? very much so. glow in the dark foh lyfe.

What's your favorite fruity scent? who do you think i am.

Do you watch cartoons? not a whole lot. my obsession is adult swim after 12. i like most of those. the short 15 minute ones are great.

Have you ever sat on a roof? dur.

Have you ever been to a different country? how ironical. lolz my vocabulary.

Name three things in the world you dislike: there's alot more than three. ALOT more.

Name three people in the world you dislike: no.

Has a rumor even been spread about you? i don't know, probably.

Do you like sushi? ew gt. that can't be healthy.

Do you believe in magic? CHRIS ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you hold grudges? no, i'm good at not holding them. for the most part.

best morning

of my life.

i really hope i get to say goodbye to you

like i hope for.

i just need to dial.

i don't like

when you do this to me.

you are smart,

smarter than others. and it gets kind of hard to deal with

because you know which buttons to push.

screw that. i really hope you aren't taking advantage of me.

i can't help that feeling.

you

make me happiest.

thank you thank you thank you.

i really

need to pack and do my nails.

mani & pedi!

like packing first.

but i really don't want to get up. i hate gettting up.

but packing is always kind of fun so i don't know. i need to search for a bag 

because my dad didn't get one down for me before he left, and i sense that

i might fall off a ladder or something trying to get one.

i am so

very happy with you.

for many a reasons.

mostly because its really nice to know that the favor, that feeling, is returned.

i have never met that feeling until now.

nor someone like you.

on a different note, (lolz)

tonight was so fun! i had such a wonderful time with all of you and we had great laughs, and everyone was in a jolly mood and i just felt so happy to be with you all.

you are such great friends, and i really want you to know that i feel so lucky to have every single one of you as a friend. i love you all for so many different reasons.

goodnight.

exchanges

that will stay with me for a very long time.

today was good and today was happy. 

last night was 3 hours of lots of different emotions

most on the scale from happy to overwhelmed with joy.

i like you

and this.

the best part was that you said the same too.

when you said i make you that happy

something went off inside that made me think

things will be okay from now on. i trust you.

its great to feel this way, i've never really thought i that i could feel this way

i guess i never expected you to happen.

oh gosh. those things you say to me.

man oh man.

i am nothing special to you i just realized. you couldn't care less about me.

it just hit me. you mean so much to me

and i mean so little to you. 

"naww you nothing."

"come over."

how ironic

that this song would come up.

it hurts to know that when we first met

you really really liked me.

and now i think you hate me.

GODDAMNIT.

i will seriously be in regret for a long fucking time.

next week i'm going to contemplate all week long about what i did wrong.

starting right now while i'm falling asleep.

oh

and by the way

fuck you and your selfish ways.

it turns out like this.

after much debate, i have decided to be over you.

officially.  i realize that you aren't as great of a person as i thought you were.

you are, but you have alot of bad things about you also. so,

i am done with you. 

you told me that you know i like you and so now its just lolz@you

for being a jerk to me. and leading me on.

i learned alot from you and at the same time i saw everything that 

i have always wanted to see in someone and you made me realize

that i should not ever fall for someone. i am so sick of this stupid chase,

not just with you but with every single boy i have ever liked. its always chase

chase chase and no action and that makes me so upset, and hurts me above all things.

it has been so long since i have liked someone as much as you. and you don't know that.

but you made me feel a way that no one, no boy has ever made me feel. and that is what

i liked about you so much, and those two days were possibly the greatest i have ever felt

in my whole entire life. you made me feel so happy and i had so much fun, and i know you did.

i KNOW you did. i hope i never forget the things you did and what we said to eachother. 

i am positive i will never feel that way again. not for a very very long time.

definitely never again this year, and definitely not again in the next few years.

i always wondered what will become of my romantic life, and now i know.

now i know to shut it off, and i remembered why i tuned out liking boys

and feelings that built up over the years. now i know why i tuned those out

because they all came out when i met you and because you seemed so perfect.

you seem so perfect. there are alot of things about you that are perfect even.

but it is my loss i guess. i lose you and all the things i really like about you, and all the things that you dont understand that i like about you. things i have told you and you get.

i think you are bipolar. i think you're adorable. i think you're sweet. i think you hide your feelings. i think you like to manipulate girls. i think you know how to you are.

i think you use what you have wrongly, and you know what you are doing everystep of the way.

its only the beginning of the summer and i have already been through a roller coaster of emotions that i haven't felt in a really really long time. this week has been so bittersweet it eats me up inside. 

no one will ever understand what i felt for you, and no one will understand the convorsations that we had. 

they ment alot to me, and it hurts more than anything to think that they didn't mean a fucking thing to you.

i will forever wonder what it would have been like to date you.

i will forever remember the day when we were. 

i will forever miss that way you made me feel on the phone. 

i will forever miss the things you said to me.

i will miss you and alot of things about you for a really really long time.

probably far into the end of the summer. 

i hope one day that i can find someone who genuinely likes me,

and can make me feel the way you did.

that's all i ask, but maybe i don't deserve it or something. there has to be some reason that i have no luck with boys.

perhaps my personality is more obnoxious then i have previously thought

or my looks are horrid and i'm oblivious to it.

i'm just sick of waiting around for someone and i gave up looking a LONG fucking time ago.

so there.

how fucking dramatic is this sounding. i don't even want to know.

the sad part is, this is exactly how i feel. from da heart and stuff.  god i'm such a girl.

meanwhile he is probably off like looking in the mirror.

being a mother fucking DICK.

okay BYE. MOTHERFUCKER

i possibly hate you.

ugh.

god damnit. 

you make me so pissed off.

so

pissed off.

you are rude and you are stupid and you are just

ughhhhhh

get away from me 

you make me feel so weird and like

i don't want to talk to you right now. you make me so upset.

FUCK THIS

YOU KNOW WHAT NOW IM JUST PISSED OFF.

i'm so angry. i'm not going to talk to you for a very long time

IM SO MAD

GAHHHHHHHHH WHY WHY WHY

this is so stupid.

i'm not talking about this anymore. i'm to pissed off.

maybe

i deserve this. maybe i was really wrong in the first place.

maybe i should stick to what i know and that is being alone.

i want a hug, more than anything.

you

confuse me more than any other person 

i have ever met in my whole 16 years of living.

you make me anxious because i have been able to figure

out every single friend i have ever had in my life.

except you. i don't know why and i dont know how.

but you make me feel so nervous about the future.

i can't figure you out, but you said the same thing about me too.

you told me you don't know what i'm going to say next and that you have 

never met a person where that happens. you said you don't know if that 

is a good thing or not. neither do i.

it just makes me nervous, really really nervous.

i realized

today i felt so badly.

all day i felt this way.

i don't feel good about myself right now.

things

are shitty.

and its never ever going to be the same.

you probably hate me by now.

or are just extremely annoyed. and doing the avoidance thing

dont do that to me

i'm a winner i promise.

come back

and sit with me again.

come back and swing in the chair with me again.

come back and hit your head on the glass window again

and make me laugh, and put your arms around me again.

no one has ever looked at me the way you do.

you don't know how that makes me feel.

no one. you aren't faking that look.

thats not something you throw around. i can tell.

i want you next to me right now. so fucking bad.

im in

the biggest rut.

i'm at a total loss of what to do

how to act

what to say

when to do it.

i have so much more to say and i can never tell if you do.

i need to see you again, and again.

thats the only time when i am happy.

i wish everytime i talk to you

it could be like the last few days.

i don't want to push anything and i know you dont, but you do when we are together.

this isn't fair to me.

maybe

i am just saying the wrong fucking things.

i need something else to say

besides that.

i don't get YOU.

you you you you you

only in one on one you.

only in person you.

thats how it should always be.

you told me to say gt more

god

damnit

this will  never happen again probably. the past 24 hours won't happen again.

orchard

fucking supply.

is it possible

to have to many good things happen at once?

all of this, is such a 

such a

something like this

things like this

happen to everyone but me.

but now its happening?

my luck is good, my luck is to good. the timing, the people, the hugs, the almost kisses, the swinging benches, the comfort.

the motherfucking comfort.

thats something i never want to leave, ever. that's what the wait is fucking for.

bittersweet.

things like that, moments like those, i wish could happen everyday.

i wish i could feel like i just did everyday and have that much fun everyday.

i hope i acted right, i hope i said the right things.

i just felt like i was myself

i felt like i've never met anyone that great before.

i'm so scared i will never have another time like that.

i want to again and again and again. and i hope i'm not 

the only one feeling this way like always.

i am scared.

horoscope.

Someone you thought you knew inside and out will surprise you today. Enjoy it.

maybe it could be the opposite? maybe it could be what it actually means.

this is actually really exciting. i love this.

theres always

those plans that are made but never happen.

you know the ones.

i like the weekdays because my parents aren't home.

and people can come and visit me.

and i can walk to chris's.

how i wish

i could be that one you wanted to accompany you.

LOLZ

AYO

SUCH A GREAT DAY

what a great conclusion.

to a great fucking day.

the phone calls make up for every fucking thing.

this is simply wonderful.

i'm so happy right now.

aye

forever feeling like this

would be a life led horribly.

i guess i just dont really know how to fix my feelings

or how i feel about

this......

i wish things were better and that i was a more interesting and engaging person.

except im not so i guess i will just have to deal with that.

all i do

is lag lag lag lag lag

all i do is make exuses alot.

and it makes me lag

and people lose interest.

no wonder i always end up in this type of situation.

people get bored and its no fucking mystery why.

im boring and  i lag. 

ASDKLFJALKSJD

AGAIN

FUCK WAITING

fuck texting

fuck that fuck that fuck that

meh meh meh mehhhh

get out of my head you're making me feel bad.

its all

a little complicated.

sometimes its great and somtimes its like

ughhhhh

most of the time its

ugh.

whywhywhywhywhywhywhy

thank you

karma.

fuck

waiting.

fuck texting.

squirm

i shouldn't even be talking about this.

it will probably amount to nothing and i will end 

up feeling like a really really huge idiot.

but i already do.

rur

things

make me smile.

and make me think.

i don't even know.

no one knows.

i do, i dont know what i know, but i think it's something.

maybe its nothing and i will just be dissapointed, but i don't want to be.

i probably will be.

whaaat

ever.

today was weird but i mean, it was.

and when he said that i just felt really really happy.

i shouldn't even be thinking about this, it will make it worse.

booyah

:)

so.

happy.

so

weird.

!!!!!!!!

perhapsperhapsperhapsperhapsperhaps

????????????

:)

meh

i never feel like writing blogs.

ever. evereververeverever

i feel like it takes to mch time or like

i dont even know. i never have anything to write about anyways.

my life is so boring. 

right now im watching the mtv movie awards. its not even interesting.

i had a weird but exciting phone convorsation today.

i dont even want to talk about it. its hard to explain

thingsare confusing these days anyways. 

i like the clothes i bought today.

maybe if i dont get lazy i will find the links and post them.

yeah

k

bye

i can't tell.

i really wonder if samantha was right.

if she was. if they are.

i just wonder.

and wonder

and can never ask because

for awkward moments would arise, as well as deinal

oh well.

maybe in good time.

que chevre!

maestro is such a good teacher.

but so is senora tchir. 

today, when i was signing her card, it all became so realistic.

and i realized that she won't be coming back. and i will never see her around

campus anymore, and i will never get to visit in maddies spanish class anymore, and i will

never get to bring her lolcatz.

nothing. and it makes me so so sad.

i really liked her, and i'm really going to miss her.

no teacher for spanish three will ever live up to her.

i was really looking forward to having her as a teacher again.

and now i wont be able to.

filler

exuse me, are you a cinnamon roll? you bet your sweet buns i am!

tonight is a night for a party. and i'm really excited.

i hope that everyone has a good time and that they enjoy themselves.

we got such great food, there is something to satisfy everyone's taste.

its going to be great.

i think ynez or laura is here. goodbye

fur'st

oh em gee a first blog.

my new laptop, my new laptop. it makes me happier more than anything.

i can't believe that it 

is

mine.

i just.

i can't talk right now, its to late.