today

is the day. i can feel it in my bones.

i just want one that's mine.

and i don't really know what that's like.

what hurt's is the fact that it feels so close,

and i know i won't be able to get that. it feels unfair

that other people have that and i see them taking advantage 

of it. that really makes me feel upset.

i would never ever take advantage of someone like that, a 

relationship like that. where you can be so close with someone,

people don't see into what they have; how lucky they actually are

to have another person feel so strongly about them, to have them

care about you so much. i wish i could have that.

nights are lonely, i wish i could be spending them elsewhere.

this day

has been something.

something special, something surprising, something so different.

maybe i'm moving on, and maybe this helped.

then again, at the end when you called it helped. each call helps me 

make up my mind, makes me feel more sure about things.

i hope something like that happens again really really soon.

i liked you.

on the reel

i just realized that all you do is disappoint me.

i would say that about 80% of the time your disappointing

me and making upset or annoyed or something.

rarely you make me feel special. an if you do, it's for like five seconds.

fuck this, i'm getting really sick of trying with you.

just do something to keep me going. anything at this point will do.

you're killing me.

don't pull this crap.

none of this is ever going to happen, no matter how much it seems like it is going to happen. but it just won't. i can tell it will never happen. you say one thing, and then the next second change your mind.

make up your mind about me, it will make things easier. it really will.

you're hurting me.

the scientist.

that's one i really can't bare to hear. the piano. OH

"come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are. i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart... oh lets go back to the start. nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. take me back to the start."

maybe i just need to show up at your house. maybe that is the key. maybe since you told me i should when you broke the plans a few days ago, i should.

anyway to see you. i'm so desperate, it makes me sick to see myself like this. i really wish someone was here sitting next to me, i don't care who. being like this, being alone in this room.

i can't stand it. i need to sleep to end this day.

to end this.

you don't care for me, i can already tell.

delicate.

i can't think of anything else to do but this.

i need to let out how i feel because i really want to explode right now. all this music is making it worse, watching my cell phone on this stupid white stand is making me want to cry, and thinking about what i have said to you in the past is making me so anxious.

i hate that i have to second guess every single thing that i say to you. i hate it. i hate that i have to wonder if you are thinking about me, i hate that i have to wonder who else you are talking to, if you are doing this to some other girl also.

i hate that i haven't seen you in over a month, i hate that most. i hate that i hate that i hate that. all i could ever ask for is to see you tomorrow. i don't care what happens, i just want to see you and i need that so badly. so so badly it hurts me so bad.

i am just sitting here like a worthless pile and all i want to do is cry or have you walk in my door.

either one but preferably the second. i'm going to go insane.

you make me so crazy. you really really do. the worst thing is that you KNOW you make me crazy.

everything you say to me is just always so. ah.

things you say to me that i don't even tell other people. those are the real ones that get me. i just miss you so much. and not the stupid you

the real you.

the one i know, not this other one. you have been giving me the most mixed signals ever. more than any i have ever recieved in my life. i haven't cared for another boy like this until you.

i really really haven't. 

fuck my life. i sound so pathetic.

i don't think anyone understands this, which is okay. i just really had to write something about how i felt down somewhere and this was the easiest way. i just

asddddddkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

"why you tell me stuff that's so plainly untrue, if you'll be straight with me i'll be straighter with you. if you're all done like you said you'd be what are you doing hanging out with me? i've been wanting to do anything for a long time, but whatever you've got right now will probably suit me fine."

i just need a motherfucking hug from a motherfucking boy.

you kill me. you really really kill me. i don't even really think i have done a whole lot to deserve these feelings, if anything, i should be shooting this bullet in your direction BUD.

yeah. really. 

i can't stand this. like ynez said, something good has to come out of all of this right?

how can i feel all of this ache and have not one good thing come out of it?

i mean GOD.

JUST GET ON ME ALREADY BECAUSE I AM REALLY SICK OF YOU FLAKING OUT BUT SAYING THAT YOU WANT TO.

FUCK THAT.

sorry that one i really had to let out. i really had to.

none of this will ever make sense, i wish there was a bettter way to explain myself.

i am not in a good state right now. i am really really not.

i just want to be in love and have the favor returned.

quit it.

quit trying to hide how you're feeling.

i can tell what you're doing.

actually i really can't and that is why i feel this way.

those things that you say, how i live for when the moments are good like that.

rarely they are. but just you saying them seems to make up for everything else that

you are saying to me. i don't get you, but at the same time i kind of do.

why would you ask me that

and make me look like and idiot for being honest.

"i don't know." 

i just want to get this over with all ready, i'm ready for the next move.

i'm over this stage. really over it.

LOL

hi, i am trashy. i have on a white swim suit and i wear black nail polish on my fingers because i want to look H4rD and J4D3D 4 lYf. I HAVE BAD HIGHLIGHTS AND NORMALLY HORRID EXTENSIONS

but i have a good body and like everyone to see it. i know i have no other positive asset besides my body, so i will lure in good boys with my nice body and make them think i'm not as trashy as i actually am since i can't seem to find a boy who is "chill" enough. so even though my ex boyfriend is a total DOUCHE BAG WANNATHUG i think i will just shoot for something REALLY high and REALLY REALLY great because all of a sudden i think that trashy girls should steal the good ones. not just ones with looks but with the insides of a good person.

SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY REALLY GOOD PLAN THAT I THINK I WILL STICK TO AND SEE HOW MANY SOULS I CAN BREAK

when will i see you next

why

does the trashy girl always get the guy.

its just

COME ONNNNNNNN

I MEAN COME ON. HONESTLY. what is the ONE thing

that really detracts from me? is it really bad?

because it must be. THAT IS SO DIFFERENT FROM ME

its just gross. i feel you would know better. but so many times

someone like you comes along where i think you have higher standards

but then you always sink down into the trash, you like garbage better.

why not go for something better. more worth the time. how about

going for me

cause i like you alot.

cards

can it only go up hill from here?

or can it only go down hill?

which is better anyways?

i guess downhill meaning it would be easier or something.

last night you seemed real. so did what you said, i think.

you really know how to keep my hopes up. naaaaaaaaa

forget about your house of cards

and i'll do mine.

denial deniaaaaaal.

GOOD SONG

to lean on.

i appreciate your humor, and i appreciate the calls.

at least i can say they are sort of flattering, its nice to know

you think about me.

i've moved on, but i still need to call you one of these nights.

i'm proud of myself actually, letting go of this has been so weird.

extremely bittersweet. i just don't look forward to the being alone

part in the future, i really really don't.

i know you might not read posted lyrics, but these mean something.

Control yourself, Take only what you need from me, A family of trees wanted to be haunted
Control yourself, Take only what you need from him. The water is warm, But it's sending me shivers
A baby is born,Crying out for attention.
Memories fade, Like looking through a fogged mirror.Decision to decisions are made and not bought
But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot
I guess not.

what do i do.

this is what it is. i don't know how i feel.
but this is what it is.

i know you didn't forget about me, but you most surely and probably moved on. i didn't, so its really sad to think about you moving on....
i don't really know what to think. all those kids don't matter. they don't matter at all. i should just stick to what i know and accept the fact that you were 1 in a million and something like that will never, ever, ever happen to me again. i should accept the fact that i will never ever have a boyfriend in high school, no matter how close i come. and you were pretty close.

now i don't even want to call you, because i'm scared. i'm scared for what would happen, i'm scared for how you would react. i'm scared for what you would say to me. what you would do. would you hang up or would you talk with me for a long time.
i'm just scared and worried and really upset because i KNOW things will not turn out how i would like, they never do.

things always go how they did with this, it will get really good, really really good, and then it will get unbelievably good. and then all of a sudden i will do or say something wrong or something will happen so it all goes down hill. and then it gets bad, and then it gets extremely bad and i dont know what to do with my self at the point where it gets that bad; which is happening now.

i want to turn back to the beginning of the month where it was you and me and nothing else seemed to matter.
i want to turn back to the night before i left, and what i said. that was also a mistake.
i.just.miss.you.

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN.
you, me < never.









frown :[

perhaps

the changes on my blogspot will brighten my feelings.
probably NOT.








you likey?

why oh why

how is it possible to have someone like you
be on this earth.
someone who is so seemingly perfect
someone who has pretty much EVERYTHING
i want and don't have. not even kidding.

everyone LOVES her. everyone.
she has really cute clothes and really adorable hair
and she has nice teeth and of course a REALLY nice smile.

it appears that everyone but chris likes her. and he probably even likes her deep
down, but just says he doesn't for those reasons.
but still...EVERYONE IS IN LOVE WITH HER
and rightly so. shes cute and really pretty and has really cute clothes
and has a wonderful personality. and is probably a great friend.

why why why why WHY do people like you exist?
WHY.
just to make everyone around jealous probably.


GO DIE.
plus it sucks that you are younger.
that REALLY SUCKS.

feelingz

i really wish i could think about you alot less
maybe it would be easier if i knew that you were
thinking about me like i am thinking about you.

it really would be.
but i don't know if you are, and i wish that there
was some way i could ask you if you were.

i bet if i called you and asked you would tell me
too bad i can't. to bad its five o'clock there.
too bad you probably don't feel the same way
too bad you probably moved on
too bad i think about you all the time
too bad this is how it is.


all i think about is what i'm going to do when i come home.
what i'm going to say to you and what i will do to let you know
i don't know what i'm even doing






this all probably sounds so stupid
but i don't think anyone reads these anyways.

i know,

this will sound awful.
but on a different note i really wish i had some way to make my appearence better while here.
it was really careless of me to just not bring my hair straightener, or any good makeup.

everyday i am walking down the streets with my face and hair looking like total and
complete shit. its so embarrassing and i can feel everyone looking at me or something.
i look horrid. all the time. and then it makes it worse because i am surrounded
by all of these extremely fashionable and naturally attractive people who wear
little make up and i'm sure do nothing to their hair but brush it, if that.

stuff like that really makes me mad. that someone can have such natural beauty,
a face that is pretty and smooth and beautiful with such little effort. no make up at all.
and then there is stupid me who is just so extremely plain looking. and its just weird.
being here and being surrounded by that is weird and gives me such a strange feeling.
its a feeling i dont like, it makes me feel very alone and secluded and makes me miss all
things familiar. i know so many people who have a gorgeous face, who can take candid
photos and have them look absolutely flawless. i wish i could be like that sometimes.



homecoming just came on. how ironic.
just some random indie music channel on tv and homecoming comes on.
wow.

ahhh yes.

"boys don't fall for me. i'm not cute or purtty or any of that junk.boys dont look the way i'd like. the ones i know dont. they dont act right. they dont smell right. they dont dress right. they dont care right. i'm tired of all these 'boys' and i want someone new. someone who says hi and hears what i have to say. someone who thinks i'm pretty not hot. someone who will watch movies with me and will let me play video games with them. someone who will give me hugs not just high fives. someone who will go shopping with me and not tag along. someone who will be there to just talk. i want a boy to talk to. someone who thinks my height is cute. someone who will let me hug them, and not think its awkward.to bad i dont know any who fit any of those catagories. to bad no one i know even comes close to one of these."

funny, when i re-read this.
because you fit every single qualification which i listed. every single god damn catagory qualification description WHATEVER.
you just fit. i don't want to let that go and i know you don't either.

2 months ago, i never ever ever EVER thought there could be someone like you. i didn't think so at all.
but you are a whole different qualification of 'boy' and i don't really know what to do about it. the fit
is to close and it is as if every minute i am having a different thought about you. urh.
when i read that just now, i felt so weird. because honestly everything i listed is you. and it's scary
because i wrote that in the begining of the year, before i even knew you were around.
i don't even know. alksdjfskadjf

i just want to know how you are feeling right now.
thats all i really want. i want to know if you feel the same as i am right now, if you are thinking about me like i am thinking about you, if you feel upset like i do.
i just want to talk to you. so bad. i don't want to be denied. i don't think i will be, but no matter what i can't
help but feeling that way.
i just want answers because right now in my head there are a million questions a minute. i'm not even kidding.

"you don't want me as a boyfriend, i have to many complications."
"i don't know about that."

fuck sesta.

this is way better than fucking sesta anyways.
screw dat sheeeeut.
HERES THIS INSTEAD:

Do you have any pets? RUBY.

color shirt are you wearing? that striped one with the cute straps.

Name three things that are physically close to you: a peach, my ipod, some nasty italian chocolate business that i spit out because it had a nappy hazlenut in it. yeah, i know.

What is the last book you read? catcher in the rye MOTHA FUCKA

What's your favorite sport? i don't do sports.

Do you enjoy sleeping late? no, i actually hate it. it puts me in such a horrible mood.

What's the weather like right now? really sticky and hot.

Who tells the best jokes? that's a good question. my sister maybe.

What was the last thing you dreamed about? uh. i only discuss my dreams with one person...pause. but it's true.

Do you drive? all of ze time. hopefully all by me self as of july 22nd.

Do you believe in karma? aww yeuh. for the most part i do.

Do you believe in luck? naw i dont know.

Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up? eggs are really disgusting anyway you try and make them edible.

Do you collect anything? If so, what? i like to collect, but i don't really have a set 'collectable.'

Are you proud of yourself? no.

Are you reliable? i try my best to be. i know i am late alot, but i generally pull through in most situations,right...?

Have you ever given money to a bum? yes, once. that really great flute player outside of bookshop who was really cute and played his flute nicely. in a non sexual way, because i just realized that sounded really sexual.

What's your favorite food? something with chicken or alot of cheese.

Have you ever had a secret admirer? sean garner is forever my stalker-admirer

Do you like the smell of gasoline? yes, i do actually.

Do like to draw? only when i am in the right mood. generally these days i don't because i realize i'm not very good at art like i used to think i was, so i get frustrated and don't really like to do it as much.

What's your favorite invention? iSight/photobooth. or the car.

Is your room messy? unfortunatley. it was clean the day before we left, but my clothes basket made it all messy-like. i hated leaving it that way.

What do you like better: oranges or apples? apples. but when oranges are really good, maybe those better.

Do you give in easily? heavy on the yes, but heavy on the no as well. i can be really stubborn, but depending on the situation i can also give in really easily. it's odd.

Are you a good guesser? it's one of my few talents. i'm pretty great at it to be honest.

Can you read other people's expressions? my strongest talent aside from guessing i would say.

Are you a bully? i don't think so.

Do you have a job? no, go away.

What time did you wake up this morning? 7:40..

What did you eat for breakfast this morning? one of those weird croissants in a bag and pineapple juice, but this one had chocolate filling so it was good. laura would really like those things.

When was the last time you showered? last night.

What do you plan on doing tomorrow? probably the same fucking thing as today.

What's your favorite day of the week and why? during school, it's fridays. i love fridays alot more than saturday. saturday SUCKS.

Do you have any nicknames? not really. ave stew and thats about it. oh and avster.

Have you ever been scuba diving? I don't think so. actually, once in hawaii but i was 7..

What's your least favorite color? most shades of green.

Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? FUCK THAT. ask ynez :(

Would you ever go skydiving? yes, i was thinking about that the other day actually.

What toothpaste do you use? crest pro health. it doesnt taste good at alll.

Do you enjoy challenges? i love the feeling of completing a challenge, what a great feeling that is.

What's the worst injury you have had? hrmm. i have never really had a really horrid injury...but probably that one time when i fell off the counter and hit my tounge or whatever. that was really bloody so i guess that.

What's the last movie you saw? penelope on the plane. HOLD THE LOLZ.

What do you want to know about the future? SO MANY THINGS. i don't want to talk about it even. i already think about it every second of the day.
sigh.

What does your last text message say? "goodbye, ava."

Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to? NEZZY POO. boy did that call save my life. i may have died if i didn't make that call. i wanted to shed a tear.

What's your favorite school subject? english. it's the only one i am good at/mildy enjoy.

What's your least favorite school subject? do you need to ask.

Would you rather have money or love? love, but the real kind. the kind where someone is actually there for you all the time and is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. someone who cares as much as you care, someone who will do anything to make you feel good.
i've had many a contemplation moments on my trip..

What is your dream vacation? going somewhere out of the country with alot of friends and no adults.

What is your favorite animal? BAYBEH ANIMALZ

Do you miss anyone right now? shut the fuck up. that was cruel.

What's the last sporting event you watched? lol, tennis in italian.

Do you need to do laundry? no, i did one before i left.

Do you listen to the radio? xm BEEZY.

Where were you when 9/11 happened? at home. sleeping.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money? get really pissed off, then get stressed out and feel like beating the machine.

Have you ever caught a butterfly? no, i'm scared.

What color are your bed sheets? like brown with white.

What's your ringtone? something light and whimsical. ynez and laura helped pick that bad boy out.

Who was the last person to make you laugh? probably my dad.

Do you have any obsessions right now? i object to the questions like this. i has a sad. a deep deep sad. SHUT UP

Do you like things that glow in the dark? very much so. glow in the dark foh lyfe.

What's your favorite fruity scent? who do you think i am.

Do you watch cartoons? not a whole lot. my obsession is adult swim after 12. i like most of those. the short 15 minute ones are great.

Have you ever sat on a roof? dur.

Have you ever been to a different country? how ironical. lolz my vocabulary.

Name three things in the world you dislike: there's alot more than three. ALOT more.

Name three people in the world you dislike: no.

Has a rumor even been spread about you? i don't know, probably.

Do you like sushi? ew gt. that can't be healthy.

Do you believe in magic? CHRIS ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you hold grudges? no, i'm good at not holding them. for the most part.

best morning

of my life.

i really hope i get to say goodbye to you

like i hope for.

i just need to dial.

i don't like

when you do this to me.

you are smart,

smarter than others. and it gets kind of hard to deal with

because you know which buttons to push.

screw that. i really hope you aren't taking advantage of me.

i can't help that feeling.