from inside

wait
FUCK YOU







you are a womanizer and you are fucking around with other girls
you self absorbed dick.

but i like it when you talk to me. makes me happy.
STOP TALKING TO OTHERS
JUST STOP AND LET ME COME OVER

"hold on a second"
*click click click click tap click click click*
"ray."
"what are you doing?"
"texting emily ____. she likes me"
"oh. i know her. she's nice."
"jealous nancy!! or wait. jealous jane. you're jealous."
"naw."



oh but my favorite is
"forget it then"
"um okay. if you want."


was that an appropriate response.
contact will emerge again i hope

YOU

remember me.
and you are thinking about me while i'm not there.


that is all i ask for. that is all and that is what i recieve.
thank you, thank you.





i feel so lucky currently.

little things

i have no discipline with school.
teach me discipline, teach me how to concentrate.
teach me how to focus in class, teach me how to
memorize, teach me how to prioritize, teach me how
to read faster, teach me how to remember.
teach me how to work hard.


take my laziness, take my anxiousness, take my stress,
take my doubt, take my self confidence.





something needs to change, and i don't know what to do about it.

behind the back

the lolzy kind.




gas break diiiip
gas break diiiip

watch em swag, watch em swag.

what a horrible start to school.
spanish is so hard, i feel overwhelmed right now. i know for
a fact i recieved an F on that quiz, i left so many blank.
and tomorrow i feel so under prepared. like i known nothing.
how can she give us over a hundred adjectives and expect us
to have them all memorized in one days notice?


i really hate to complain like this, but i am feeling so horrible right now.
i want to focus on school so badly right now, but i'm finding it extremely hard.
i can't deal with anything it seems like, i just procrastinate it more than ever
like i am avoiding it terribly to avoid certain feelings.




i just want this to be okay. i don't feel ready right now.

couldn't we do what we did last night?

Kind of faded, but I'm feeling alright
Thinkin' about making my move tonight
I can't pretend that you're only my friend when you're holdin' my body tight
'Cause I like the way you're making your move
I like the way you're making me wait
At the end of the night, when i make up your mind
You'll be coming on home with me, yeah, yeah, yeah

Couldn't we do what we did last night again
Baby you and I could be better friends
Don't you think it's time we went a bit further, oh yeah
Every night when we say goodbye
how can I help looking in your eyes
Wondering why you and I haven't hit it
Can we get it on


OH THE MEMORIES OF THIS

so here we are

i am sitting here, cuddled up in my bed with my
new comforter, and all these pillows. i'm so comfortable here.
i feel so happy just sitting here, with my water bottle and ice bat
and all these nice sheets.
something inside me still feels scared. i feel uneasy and scared for a reason
that i can't really identify. i'm nervous for this year, i'm nervous for what the future will throw at me. i'm scared how i will look in a year, i'm scared for how my emotions will act, but mostly
i'm scared to grow up, i don't want to grow up. i don't want to move on from high school
or the people or where i am in my life right now. i like being a child and i like being under
my parents rules. i like returning to a house with filled with family at the end of the day
and i like running around.
i don't want to move on to a being an adult. i'm not ready. i'm not ready to look at colleges
and i'm not ready to take ap tests.

i'm not a school person. i'm just not. all the effort i put in gets me no where close to where you
are. its how i am and i have learned how to accept that. but i am ready to move away from school.
i have plans for what i want to do after school, i'm just scared to talk about them. i don't feel
confident about my future, but i know where i might go.
i'll talk about this one day, but for now i will listen to you talk about your future; i know you're more sure than i will ever be.


so for now i will listen to my sigur ros, and i will think about the present. i will foucus on what i am doing now, what is going on around me. i want to enjoy living, and i do'nt want to look back on my adolesence and wish i had lived more. this summer i grew up in so many ways, i learned so many things and i expirienced things i always wished would happen. i made alot of new friends, i was in alot of different situations, and it was all things that helped me grow up. i just don't want to miss out on anything, i don't want my life to move to fast and i dont knoooooooow







my music is making me so happy right now
i just want to feel like you made me feel again. soon, it has to be really really soon.

i wish

i had cheek bones. high and prominent cheek bones
that would make my face look beautiful.

myself

I don’t mean to close the door, But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes, Left stains on my sheets and stains On my soul
You left me broke down begging for change ,Had to catch a ride with a man who’s deranged
He had your hands and my father’s face.

mourn the memories later, laugh now alligator.

i admire you.

beauty.

my jealousy goes out of my hands sometimes.
i don't want to sound desperate, forgive me if i do. i don't
constantly feel the way i do if i talk to you about it, but i have
episodes where my jealousy takes over and i feel really bad about myself for
half an hour or an hour er so.

i dunnooooo

i'ma shake you off

Bring silent heartache July to June
Swoon over new young hot flame
Mourn the memories later
Laugh now alligator


those mean alot to me.

whys that?

when you are gone, i really really yearn for your attention.
and i just hope so hard that i don't take advantage of that
when i do have it.


that's something that really means a whole lot to me.
i'm thinking it means something to you, too.

icy

i just must be boring.
uninteresting to talk with. something.


the attention span of convorsations seems to be shrinking
and my self esteem seems to be going faster.

novios

i feel like some people take advantage of what they have.
something that someone might really really strive for, or never
even expirience, and they don't even think twice about it.


jealousy rides over me sometimes when i think about everyone
i know that has a boyfriend or is in some relationship. all i do is
wonder if they actually appreciate it; like constantly. if they know
how lucky they actually are to have something long term. something
that just fits so well. it hurts to think that someone could ever take advantage
of that. it really hurts.



i think i have to many issues.

evenings

the moon is full
and i am unwell.

advice

from a collection of multiple people really help.
and make me feel better for a while. if only the advice
was constant, than perhaps i could feel better all the time.


Thank you for helping.
your advice counts for alot more than you might think.

twaz

i was doing well until just now. something just triggered in my insides this morning
and i have that nervous feeling again. i had a dream that he said "talk to me."
and i woke up and thought it was real for like 20 seconds and then when i realized
it was not i felt so weird.




this feeling can not last, it hurts to bad.

okay

now i want to cry.




this doesn't make me feel good.
i don't feel well about myself right now.
this is going to take a while i think.

ow.

its over.
like really really over. like as in finished and completely done.


as in he said something so i don't even know why i was trying.
here comes the stage where i feel like an idiot for running after this
person for nothing but to be treated how i was treated.
i must have done something wrong to alter these feelings he one had
because this is definitely not how it used to be. but now its gone and
nothing will happen again. so i shouldn't even talk about it like something
will, because it won't. i know it and he made it clear.
i feel kind of weird right now and i really don't know how i am going to be
doing in a few days.
i assume this is only the begining.



how cold hearted can one person be. i really hope i don't
deserve to be treated this way. this is like a stab in the heart
with a dull knife or something. ouchies my hawrt.

thankyouthankyouthankyou

for remembering me.
or at least thinking of me.


just knowing you are doing one of those makes me feel happy. kind of.
a short lived convorsation was not what i had in mind but your inquiries
made me happy.
tonight i know what i'm going to say.

i don't get it.

i'm feeling so empty right now.
i have this feeling in my stomach; it makes me feel so
upset and anxious. i feel nervous and alone and like
i need something. i get this feeling because i know deep down
that there is probably no potential for anything else. i can see
how it might be.

that kid really helps me out alot. he makes me feel happy and makes
me think about things i wouldn't of before, like there is something to
look forward to. he makes me feel like there is a future for me and that
other kid. he thinks there is potential but i don't think there is
i honestly never know how it is until i see him

i just don't get why he won't talk to me.
theres another girl. i know there has to be. someone hotter than me
er something. i bet there is, i need to stop making exuses for his actions
towards myself. i see what i was and i need to move on.
but what hurts the most is that there is nothing to move on to. there will never
be anything that is like him again. guys don't think about me like that
and i should've known better with him.



i just wish something would happen where he would prove me wrong.
fuck this. i'm never going to have a boyfriend. or a romance ever again.
good things that happen to me go by so quickly and rarely ever come
i hate feeling this empty. i don't know how to stop this.
i forget how it feels to be wanted. i'm glad i at least got to feel it this summer
it hurts so badly to know it will never most likely never happen again.

okay.

i know i can't be the only girl.
but i would like to feel that way for once.


really really really really

outz

one thing that makes me mad is reading shit like that.
it makes me feel so bad about my life, and it makes me feel
like i have nothing to do and am so worthless and unhappy.
i feel like i have nothing in my life that really makes me
extremely happy; but then again i can look at my life and see
things that i should be happy for.

there is just a piece that feels missing and makes me feel
incomplete, i can place my finger on it slightly but i don't know
if i want to put it down in words like this. I just feel badly a lot.
i don't know why, but i rarely feel like "wow, i'm so happy right now"
and maybe i'm not supposed to, maybe things are just supposed to be like
that in life and it's just part of growing up that you have to realize this.
but i know the feeling of being really happy with your life, and i have felt that
only briefly all summer. but i know what it feels like, when its for an extended
period of time.
and i know how i can have that feeling.

talking to you really makes me feel really happy. i never ever would've thought
you would do this, but you make me feel good about myself. and sometimes you
say things that are out of character and i love those moments best.
i like you alot and i hope our relationship stays this way for a while. i don't know
anyone like you really, so i don't want that to change. you make me happier than
a lot of people i know.

i want something more permanent. that's all i need.
something constant would be a nice change, it would make me happy.
i know it would

i get it.

i realize what this might be.
however i do not want to fully admit it yet because
i don't know if it's true. maybe you don't want anything else,
but i don't believe that because of things you did and said after.


i want that day back. you holding me was a feeling i would
like to be far more frequent, but it makes me feel weird to think
that might not be.
i know you felt the same, or else you would not have been doing that.
you looked so cute.



i just hope it won't be left in the dark or anything, and i hope
you won't be in new mexico for a long time. at least say something
or give me a reason to be okay. SOMETHING

ray

fuck this, i just want your communication.



i know you are trying to hide your feelings, i know
you had a hard time with her. and i feel so bad about
that. please, do not leave me whatever you do. do not.
i like you far to much and i would give a lot to have that
day again. a lot.

expirience

the joys.

the memories.

the future?