i never cried when i was feeling down.

i've always been scared of the sound.

jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load.

i'm too young to fill this role.

wow

i was afraid this would always happen and now it actually is. that is like a full frontal stab in the heart to me, after all i have given into that. i can only hope this can be rekindled but i have a feeling it will not be. 

oh my god this really can't be happening. fuck you if it is actually happening

i want to cry right now

oh

you broke up...

cards

ynez, i'm going to make you a mix cd. and it's going to be full of songs that i have been listening to for the past 5 months that remind me of things you would love. 

there have been so many songs i hear and i think "ynez would love this song."

i am actually going to do this, and i'm not just saying this for the lulz. i've already started the playlist.

i miss you a lot. i hope you think of me as much as i think of you my dear friend. i'm glad you are finally happy.

how unfortunate

i just read old blogs.

from november. oh jesus what has happened

and when will it be replaced again?

i always have to wonder about how long that category of happiness can last. How long will i be able to feel such an extended amount of contentment, happiness-something like that. I really can never imagine it. I've lived that feeling, i've been in a moment where everything seems right and perfect. and i know there are people who experience that everyday. but when will i be able to? the moments come, then they go. but whenever i get close, it always loosens from my grip. 

i has to be my fault. it just has to be. there can be no other explanation. i have the worst luck, but that has been established already.

but this? really? does it really always have to be like this for me?

i always feel like i am chasing something. it just never happens for me. i can never be content for more then a week, and the one thing that has made that feeling last for longer is gone. 

i've moved on from that now, but when i think i find something to replace it, it leaves too.

i lay awake every single night thinking about everything regarding this problem that i have. it's a constant thing in the back of my head, and at night it rises and becomes prominent and i always always think long and hard about it. sometimes i don't get any sleep because of it. and i don't know what to do.

i don't know how to explain this to anyone any other way except for when i write it all down. it comes in waves and i just spill it out this way. it's easier this way

i don't know what to do, or say, or what to expect. i don't know when it will come and i don't know if it will even come. 

that is all i have to say now. i can't think anymore

"it all will fall; fall right into place. what's that riding on your everything? It isn't anything at all."

let me come over and nap with you like we used to. and let me come over  and you can make me laugh and we can make fun of everything on TV like we used to. let me come over and we can sleep like we used to on that couch. let everything just be like how it was. this isn't working for me, and i don't know how to communicate to anyone how badly i want that back. i can't stop dwelling on everything and dwelling on how much everything sucks now.

on a different note, i don't think anything hurts more than when you don't contact me back. what ever happened to our shopping excursion today? what ever happened to all these plans we make; they become broken because you choose....that. 

everything i've kept together is falling apart. 

how dare you do this. do this now, with her, and leave me here. i don't think you know what i am feeling. i don't think anyone does. no one has said the right thing, i don't know who wants to listen and i don't know what to do with myself. i feel like i am waiting for the end of what you created but the sad thing is i don't know when that will be.

how long will i be in this state, and when can i have you back. i feel empty

seriously FUCK YOU.

i couldn't be more insulted or hurt or any of that.

you did nothing but prove me right, and for that, i hurt so badly on the inside. you proved to me that all good things in my life are never constant. don't try and tell me otherwise, this is a fact that i have learned over the years and i have finally realized that every single good thing that comes into my life is only present for a certain amount of months, then it vanishes out of my grasp and it literally moves on. and it leaves me at square one, where i always end up. square one is a lonely and dark path for me that consists of me doing poorly in school and feeling hopelessly alone. currently, i see square one on the horizon line and it's going to hit really hard really soon. i see this all coming to a halt and i see myself being stuck again. and it will happen again in a few months. i will find something to distract me and distance me from this square one and then it will move itself out of my life. and it will be me and that dark pathway thing again. and it will go round and round and round until the day i fucking graduate from high school. if that even happens.

When your sparkle evades your soul

I'll be at your side to console

Do all that I can to heal you inside
I'll be the angel on your shoulder
My name is Geraldine, I'm your social worker


I see you need me
I know you do

who am i? and what have i become.

who am i to do this and what is happening.

but at the same time, it's not that large of an issue. but only if i make it so. i just don't want to be overwhelmed but for some reason i do not see this turning out horribly.

but who am i to expect something.

i'm not as emotional as i thought i would be