i always have to wonder about how long that category of happiness can last. How long will i be able to feel such an extended amount of contentment, happiness-something like that. I really can never imagine it. I've lived that feeling, i've been in a moment where everything seems right and perfect. and i know there are people who experience that everyday. but when will i be able to? the moments come, then they go. but whenever i get close, it always loosens from my grip. 

i has to be my fault. it just has to be. there can be no other explanation. i have the worst luck, but that has been established already.

but this? really? does it really always have to be like this for me?

i always feel like i am chasing something. it just never happens for me. i can never be content for more then a week, and the one thing that has made that feeling last for longer is gone. 

i've moved on from that now, but when i think i find something to replace it, it leaves too.

i lay awake every single night thinking about everything regarding this problem that i have. it's a constant thing in the back of my head, and at night it rises and becomes prominent and i always always think long and hard about it. sometimes i don't get any sleep because of it. and i don't know what to do.

i don't know how to explain this to anyone any other way except for when i write it all down. it comes in waves and i just spill it out this way. it's easier this way

i don't know what to do, or say, or what to expect. i don't know when it will come and i don't know if it will even come. 

that is all i have to say now. i can't think anymore